In Hard Times..

Readers dear..

Saya boleh curhat? Saya curhat ya?

This week has been.. I dunno. Difficult? Well every week in our lives are difficult I think, in our kind of way.

I hate the feeling when I think I’m right about something, then it turns real..

Do you people think that playing and learning piano is something unuseful? For me, playing piano is not just a hobby, but it keeps me sane. It helps me stay on my feet, be okay, be happy. It’s like a therapy. A stress-free therapy. I’m not really good on playing piano, but I think.. I do love it.

And saying that it is something uneuseful and wasting my time just kills my feeling.

And it was my family who said that (exclude Mom and Grandma)

*sigh*

I thought this conversation is over when my grandfather died. I never learned piano becase he said ‘Apa gunanya?’

And I heard that kind of statement again this week. I hate fighting, really. But now I’m starting to fight over the same and same thing again.

And I’ve been working for about three months now. And my family says that it was wasting my time, there’s no need to, never asked me to get a job, blah blah blah..yet they asked for my salary. *sigh* you know..I’m really confused..

I want to spend it for some things and stuffs that I need.. (include my teeth that keeps hurting and needs a surgery) but then, again they complained about my lifestyle..err..which one? I don’t have new clothes, gadgets, or whatsoever..and they asked for my salary. So I worked for you guys, huh??

Families are the ones who supposed to understands and support you the most. Maybe I don’t have one anymore. Since grandma died. Maybe she was my only family. And now I’m alone.

 
And the other difficult. Alone and lonely has a very different meaning. I don’t mind being alone, but sometimes I’ts hard when you’re crying alone..and people don’t care, right? It’s much funner to hang around with your friends, laughing, having fun, than staying at home and comfort a girl with the same problem everyday.

Who would pick me over funtime?

And I thinked again, ‘Jelas, sama Bea akan lebih sulit..and it’s really easier for him to find another.’

*sigh* I felt lonely sometimes.

I never asked anyone to go through this journey, no.

In hard times, it’s hard to find someone who would stay. My daddy don’t.

Ahaha.. I’ve been talking randomly. :p

Maaf ya, ga ada temen ngomong. Waktu saya ngeluh juga dibilang ‘ngeluh mulu’ waktu complain dibilang ‘complain mulu’ waktu worrying dibilang ‘worrying mulu’

Ditanya ‘gimana?’ tapi begitu dijawab digituin. Capek ah. Jadiii…

Saya nggak ngeluh-ngeluh lagi. Anggep aja saya lagi patah hati—dan berusaha untuk move on. Pelan-pelan.

Belajar sendiri. Menghilang. Lalu nggak kembali lagi.

Lalalili

       1)     What is the most important thing in your life?
      Spending quality time with the people I love.

2) What is the last thing that you bought with your own money?
    Magazine. I always buy stuff for myself since 18 anyways..

3) Where do you wish to get married?
    In a church. With you.

4) How old do you think you will be permanently owned by your love?
    Sayang, can you answer that question for me?

5) Are you in love?
    Berry strawberry much. :D

6) Where was the last restaurant you had dinner?
    (restaurant?) can Kopi Lamping being called as a ‘restaurant’? :p

7) Name the latest book that you bought?
    2-Donny Dhirgantoro for Martin’s christmas gift.

8) What is your full name?
    Bella Stephanie Lalalili.

9) Do you prefer your mother or father?
    Both?

10) Name a person that you really wish to meet in real life for the first time.
      DR

11) Christina or Britney?
      XTINA

12) Do you do your own laundry?
      Rarely. :p

13) The most exciting place you want to go?
      France. Italy. Japan. Israel. (so manyy)

14) Hugs or kisses?
      Both! No picking! :p

15) 8 things I am passionate about:

1. Education

2. Music

3. Career

4. Travelling

5. Sports and hiking

6. ANIMALS exclude snakes

7. Fashion

8. .CHOCOLATE and good food

16) 8 things I say too often:

1. Hah?
2. Kakaaaak..

3. Hehehe

4. IH!

5. Makasi

6. nda (tau) nda (mau) nda (punya) nda..nda..nda..

7. Peyuk

8. Ehmm…

17) 8 books I've read recently:

1. Bible

2. 2-Donny Dhirgantoro
3. Celebrity Wedding-AliaZalea

4. Err.. I haven’t read much lately..so sad. L

5.

6.

7.

8.

8) 8 songs I could listen to over and over again:

1.     Imagine Me/Help Me Believe-Kirk Franklin

2.     Turn Your Lights Down Low-Bob Marley feat.Laurynn Hill

3.     September/After The Love Has Gone-Earth,Wind, and Fire

4.     Never Too Far Away-Mariah Carey

5.     Strawberry Swing/Us Againts The World-Coldplay

6.     LA Blue-Joey McIntyre

7.     any Feist’s or Erykah Badu’s song

8.     She Went Home for Christmas – Mew

9.     Flightless Bird,American Wine-Iron & Wine

10.   It’s Over Now-Bonita and The Hus Band

11.   You know what? I can never answer this question.. There’s too MANY! AHAHA..

19) 8 9 things I learned last year:

1. Force yourself to do something good for you, and God will bless and make the road easier.

2. Spending quality time with your loved ones is a MUST.

3. You can’t always made everyone happy. Being more success means being more hated.

Choose your pick.

4. Being yourself is more important than being cool and popular.

5. Take a good care of your body for the first 40 years, and for the next 40 it will take care of you.

6. Start saving money for my big future.

7. Bigger job, bigger responsibility, bigger expenses. *sigh*

8. I’m too young to be this ‘old’!

9. Sports and hiking makes me happy.

Q and A For Today

While waiting M to pick me up, let's play Q and A

I got the Q's from somewhere on the internet. ;)

1. At what age do you wish to marry?
Err.. can I asked M first? ;p

2. What is your most favorite thing to do?READING, writing, studying, oh yes I'm such a geek. Plus swimming and shopping, I guess..

3. If you have a close close close close friend since childhood who loves to take away whatever you like, including guys/girls, and he/she always wins, will you still consider him/her your friend?
 No.

4. What would you give up in return to eat all you want in the world and not get fat ?
ahahhaha.. I am NOW! :D

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
Only one,eh? Hmm..made my Mom really happy.

6. Do you believe you can survive without money?
No.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most?
The double M. Mom and M.

8. What do you feel like doing, right now?
Sleeping! My stomach hurts so bad due to my period.

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
Maybe probably yes. After a looong time of waiting for him to say it first, I guess.

10.  What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
Family man. Smart is a must, nice smile. Musical ability. Long hair. Dark skin. No drama queen(or king)

11. What is your ambition?
Die without regrets.

12. What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad?
Drama queen, backstabber, talk-behind-your-back thing. B*tch.

13. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Hope. No one can survive this crazy-world without it.

14. If you have a choice to be rich or happy, which one would you pick ?
Happyandrich. LOL happy. I'd choose happy anytime.

15. If you have a chance, which part of your character would you like to change?
I'm too shy, and likes to create my own world. And the world says it's not normal. *sigh*

16. Who is the person that you can share all your problems with?
Martin & Elin.


17. How do you see yourself in 10 years of time?

33..had my master, work in a top architect firm, have a business, got married and have kids. Helped other people with their education.

18. What is the one thing you love about yourself?
I'm...passionate about the things I love. :p
19. Do you think your style actually reflects your personality?No. Reflects on my mood and..my time. lol. When I'm busy I don't really care what I wear.

20. What does life mean to you?
Life is a journey. There is no end, only destination. 

And happiness in life is a choice. 

We chose either to be happy or just whine about how hard life is.

Named CinderBella!

I always loved shoes better than any other things. 

Better than clothes, accessories, any kind of things you could wear.

And for me, shoes tell much about a person's personality and appraisal on things. 

And I'm going to have a big space on shoe-rack when I have my own place. :p

I'm keeping myself away from shoe-shopping now.

But these are some of my favorites from  iwearUP

Note: I already have the stella beige stripes, and I love all stella series. ;)

4. POLLY Floral Blue

Polly comes with a pocket, so you can keep and carry around your lucky penny the whole day. Polly loves cupcakes too. Do you?

3.  TREE purple

Tree is loved for her natural charms.

Purple tenun wedges in limited quantity. 

2. PANDORA fuschia

Pandora is a real sweetheart and always in love. Pandora loves to read too!

Black faux patent leather straps, velvet fuchsia trims and bows with black velvet wedges. 

1. KATE two-tone

Simple yet sophisticated. Kate is a fun, intelligent sweetheart.

Beige straps with black trim. Red canvas-wrapped wedges.

These are super cute too! But already sold out. :'(

Jane Red and jane batik-black.

Jane is the ultimate sweetheart who loves to sing and munch!

 

A Shoe Made difference to Cinderella's life. It can made difference to your life too.

One day I'm going to have all of those, and buy it myself. :p

Surat Cinta #17: Untuk Stephanie

Stephanie, aku ingat. Kamu lahir di malam purnama, hari Sabtu.

Mungkin itu penyebab matamu yang bulat. Atau kecintaanmu pada bintang.

Ketika anak lain membaca komik, kamu akan membaca ensiklopedia. 

Kamu mogok lahir, membuat Mama kesakitan.

Kamu baru mau muncul ketika Papa datang.

Dasar kamu anak papa.

Dan memang kamu blueprint papa. Seratus persen.

Ingatkah kamu, waktu kecil nenek sering berkata bahwa manusia tidak ada yang bisa menghitung bintang di langit.

Lalu kamu akan menjawab,

"Enggak,orang lain nggak bisa, tapi aku bisa kok."

Lalu mulai menghitung bintang setiap malam saat kamu punya kesempatan.

Dan tiap malam juga kamu lost count. Lalu besoknya mencoba lagi.

Aku ingat usia enam tahun kamu membaca puisi 

tentang cita-citamu di acara pensi sekolah kita.

Berapa yang datang, Stephanie?

Aku tak mengira kamu yang  pemalu itu mau maju 

di depan audiens sebanyak itu tanpa disuruh.

Mungkin itu bukti kalau kamu memang serius karena toh dua belas tahun kemudian

kamu lulus masuk fakultas jurusan yang kamu sebut dalam puisi itu. 

Stephanie, arti namamu adalah 'mahkota dan karangan bunga'.

Dan memang kamu si bungsu yang manja senang diperlakukan seperti putri,

dan pipimu selalu merah tiap ada yang memberikan bunga.

Stephanie, aku ingat kamu bertanya kehadiranku hingga bertahun-tahun 

sampai kamu mengerti betul aku pergi kemana. 

Mengapa aku tiba-tiba menghilang.

Mungkin kita bisa bertahan karena berdua.

Mungkin juga kamu jadi nggak bisa sendiri karena aku selalu ada.

Bahkan setelah kamu dewasa kamu masih berharap aku ada, supaya nggak ada yang bisa menyakiti kamu seperti sekarang.

Stephanie, aku tahu.

Tahu kalau kamu sering meringkuk di kamar sendirian sambil mengunci pintu,

mendengar papa-mama kita berargumen, suara-suara dan piring pecah, lalu bertanya aku dimana. 

Mengapa aku nggak ada disana disaat kamu menangis sendirian.

Kamu ingat Brownie anjing kita? Tiap Mama marah lalu hendak memukulmu,

Brownie akan menggonggong lalu menyembunyikan kamu dalam bulunya

Aku titip hatimu sama Brownie untuk dijaga.

Karena selain kamu, aku nggak percaya orang lain.

Stephanie..

Setelah dewasa kamu takut dibentak-bentak.

Takut petir dan suara-suara keras lainnya.

Lalu punya ikatan emosi lebih dengan binatang.

Kamu lebih senang menhabiskan waktu dengan buku daripada dengan manusia.

Dan kamu nggak pernah berani membuka hati.

Setengahnya mungkin memang sudah hancur nggak bersisa, Stephanie.

Lalu kamu khawatir nggak ada yang mau menerima sisa yang hanya setengah itu.

Kamu sadar nggak? Setengah hati milikku yang sisa, aku berikan padamu. 

Nggak perlu khawatir, Stephanie

See,I'm Right below you..

 

Stephanie adikku, jangan menangis lagi.

Orang lain mungkin nggak bisa sendirian, tapi kamu bisa.

Di saat hatimu sakit, ingat kalau setengahnya milikku juga,

dimanapun aku sekarang, I felt it too.

Salam sayang,

Sam.

(Kalau saja reinkarnasi itu ada, kita pasti jadi kakak-adik lagi).

Yawning

I worked (average) ten hours per day. 

Not to mention piano school, task, studies, and practice.

Then cleaning my room and lots of other stuff. 

My average sleeping hours is less than six hours per day, and I thought

"This is so tiring."

And like what happens to people with less sleeping hours:

1. Mata bengkak, sembab, lingkaran hitam di bawahnya

2. Mudah terpancing emosi

3. Mudah lupa

4. Susah konek

5. Tired all the time

6. Losing weight

well, I have all 6 and I need...a hug.

Then fall asleep.

Note:

But if it's for good, then fight for it.. ;)

Welcome 2012! Yay!

So people are saying stuff about 2012 resolution. ME TOO! Some of them said 'Nah, I don't need to have one.'

But I said, "If you don't have a target, or unknowingly what your life could have in the future, then we're like strangers, chasing pavement when we can go by bike.'

(excuse the expression)

So here's mine, hopefully it can be done. If not, well, at least I tried.

1. Finished reading the Bible. This is the most important book I have and haven't been able to finished it for 22 years.

2. Do more and more good things, as a Christian, and as a person. Remember, good seeds made good harvest.

3. Be very good..well not 'very good' I guess, in cooking and baking both Indonesian and western, and must memorized what kind of food Martin likes.

3. Grow my hair..or stay short? I haven't figure this out yet. Maybe it's not the length that matters, but how to take care of it better.

4. Spend more time with my loved ones, not by sms/bbm/chat but face-to-face.

5. Go back to school. Means I have to study hard until I got accepted. And study harder when I got in.

6. Got a new job. My recent one expires on April. Got a freelance job, too. My Mom is going to scream, 'How many jobs do you need???' haha

7. Have my 2nd and 3rd grade piano examination.

8. Focus on writing more.

9. Spend less, save more. This include money, time, management, having fun, doing work, etc. But exclude SHOES.:)

10. Fix my teeth. I'm ALWAYS super scared of dentist, and now I'm going to have dental surgery.

I wrote 10 already?? Can I write more? Please??

"Just when you thought everything is set and done, comes another task. Life's a wheel. You can put it down, but it's designed to roll."