Thursday, November 24, 2011


This is a story about a stupidity I just did, on November 16.
So after work I have to go to Naripan street because I had this ‘appoinment’.
I’m still new to this Cikutra neighborhood 
so I asked my friend how to get to Naripan.
And when I got off work at 4PM, I went straight there.
I don’t really know the path, and by 5PM and still on the road,
I began to panic. 

But—when I saw the car passing through Palasari, 
I took a deep breath and thought, “Just a moment and I’ll be fine.”

I was wrong.

The car, which the only passanger left is me, 
start to go to this diretion I don’t know. 
The car doesn’t stop and I began to panic, again. 
This time more.
*I don’t like talking about this, so here’s what happened*
I  got taken away... Lost my money... Being alone in the middle of nowhere.. and I’m really scared.

I am 22 years old, and that time I was crying on the road.

Since I have no money, I walked and walked. 
I was scared, with no money, blisters on my feet, and it’s raining.
I’m hungry too, I haven’t ate anything since 12 PM. 
And there I was. In front of Nada Music Store. So I texted M. 
Then standing waited for him to pick me up.

I thought that I’ll be crying when I see him, tell him how bad that day was, 
and hoped that in his arms I’ll feel save.

I never saw him that day.

I stood for about 40 minutes when finally with my last money I decided to go home.
I was too tired and just wanted my bed.

And he replies asking me to go to another place to meet him.

I was waiting just to see him, and after waiting in the rain and stuff, 
I found out that he left me.
You left me. 
And I just waited in vain. I felt like an idiot.

Do you have any idea how I felt?

And so I went home, scared and my heart hurts really bad. 
I cried on the way home. 
Didn’t care about the people that watches me.

I hate how much I love you that I couldn’t leave you. 
Like you just did.
Other girls would definitly doesn’t want to see him anymore.
And days afterwards, I still cried sometimes, and while writing this, I cried too.

I forgot that every men will leave you just when you needed them the most.

Maybe I asked so much for attention. Maybe I did.

And so I said to myself. “No. You have to stop needing him.”

You have to stop, Stephanie.

This Is: So Me :D

Membaca tulisan-tulisannya Miund soal diabetic tipe 2, 
how she suprisingly had to change her life instantly because 
her body can't be as effective as the usual to produce what-we-called insulin. 
Ah. An important thing which sometimes we forget. Health.

Well, after reading many her twitter post, 
I figured that she made so many differences in her life,
before and after diabetic. 
And, like she said, the main reason she fight (and will do continuously)
is because she wants to take care of her family,
she loves her husband, and she wanted children.
One more thing we sometimes forget and abandoned too, 
family (or the ones you loved).

And It kinda gets me thinking too.

I was diagnostic to have this pancreas issues since 2008
-when I was 18 (going 19) years old.
*I am eighteen going on nineteen played in mind--nevermind*
At first I was feeling nausea all the time, and several minutes after a meal 
I usually vomintted. Not just once, but many times. 
Again and again. Every time I ate. 
Then I got admitted in the hospital. Three blood test. One USG. 
The first blood test analyzed that I got Thyphoid. 
But when I swallowed the antibiotics, 
the vomit-nausea thing become more often.
I can barely eat *graaahh* 
The second is for my ulcer to analized my bacteria in my stomach, 
and the third one also. 
Because the doctor didn't find anything strange,
he recommend me to take USG. (It's pain in the ass )
Actually it's for my stomach (and, yes, I felt like I was a pregnant woman
trying to see her squeking infant
but they didn't find anything strange, too.  

They find it in my pancreas.

My pancreas didn't work as good as it was, and as good as it should be.
 And it won't be coming like it used and should've be. Forever. Till I die.

That's why I can't eat.
That's why sometimes I my lungs felt like being override by something 
and suddenly I can't breathe and had to be breathing through my oxygen mask. 
There was times I have to sleep beside the oxygen tank at home b
ecause I fainted many times and my breath stopped. 
This 'something' in my pancreas pushed my lungs, and my ribs,
narrowed my space to breathe. 
And why I felt so so tired all the time.

Well it was a very big shock. I cried for a long time, I cried on the phone,
I cried when everyone's gone, I cried untill I went to sleep.
'I'll be living like this till I die?' I thought.

And my life was never be the same since.

I tried to be an ovo-lacto vegetarian until today.
Sometimes I (have to) eat meat, but just once in a while.
I can't eat food that contained too many oils in it, 
because it will made me nausea and vomit again, 
I have to be really careful in my activities, 
I can't lift things that are heavy (hey, that's why there's something we called men)
I can't bring things that are heavy, 
I can't be too tired or having the lack of sleeping hours.

It doesn't really helped.

When I was in school sometimes I can only attend the first class, 
the second class is too tiring so I have to go home. 
Sometimes I ate breakfast which is not meat and 
still I got really dizzy, nausea, and then vomitted again.

Several times I got admitted in the hospital, 
just in a 3-4 weeks difference every time. 
I can't do hard sports anymore, or hiking, or watch midnight movies. 
And my school is failing. 
And--like the cherry on top, my boyfriend left me.
Just when I needed him the most. 
Guess that's what all men do, right?

Believe me, changing lifestyle whatsoever doesn’t help.
But, I tried my best to make efforts.
Why? I wanted to live longer.
I want to graduate, and have a family.
I still have a five years piano school.
I still have my mother whom I have to take care of I wanted to see my future children.
So I changed.

And as for me today, in 2011, almost four years after,

I don't feel many differences.
Just this week I found out that my chest is swelling, 
and it hurts even for just breathing. 
Then it spread to my ribs, and last night to my back. 
Don't ask how it feels. 
I can barely sleep, 
I just massage my back and hoped the pain will be over.

Then I got nausea, and vomitted again, I stopped eating rice with oil. 
got work, so I thought I might need extra energy,
I usually eat rice only at noon, then tried to have it on breakfast and noon, 
and sometimes at night too, but I'm sorry, it just doesn't worked out for me. I
got nausea, then vomitted on Wednesday. 
I didn't eat anything that day until 5PM.

Many girls deliberates no-eating habit. But do you girls know, I really want to eat as much as I can
I lost about five kilograms this year. Now I'm a 48 kilograms. 
And sometimes looking myself at the mirror, I kinda hate the reflection.
I looked like a walking skeleton. 
Almost all of my clothes now are too big, 
and I felt really tired everyday. 
It doesn't feel any good, you know? 
Just eat. Healthy meals, please.

Coba deh ngerasain kayak saya. 
Pengen banget makan ini-itu tapi lambung nggak nerima. 
Nggak ada orang normal yang habis muntah-muntah masih punya napsu maksan. 
Atau seandainya pas lagi bisa makan banyak, terus bisa makan malem juga, 
tetep aja angka di timbangan itu turun. 
Turun terus, pulak. 
Seneng? Nggaklah. 
Artinya, saya nggak normal. Dan nggak akan normal.
Ngeri ngebayangin kalau aja angka di timbangan itu turun terus, 
mau jadi apa saya akhir tahun depan?

Kemarin seharian ga makan gara-gara mual dan muntah ga berenti2.
Malemnya tetep ga bisa tidur, punggung sakit jadi pijitin sendiri. 
Tidur kurang tiga jam aja pagi ini berasa capeee banget jalan 500 meter aja.
Susah kan?

But still, I wanted to made the efforts.
Why? I still have school to graduate, 
mother to take care of, 
husband and children to discover, 
and four more years of piano school. 
No, not everything is vain. Not my life, definitly. 

Because ten years from know, you will regret the things 
you haven't or didn't done much more than the things you had and did. 
(Mark Twain)

So I will.

And Know I'm still working on a blog page that later
I'll published about good meals, good taste, and good for your body. I
ncluding the bible verses too, I hoped. 

(I don't really like talking about bible's doctrines, but there's a reason there's Leviticus 11.
When God said don't eat pigs, dogs, seafoods, sharks, etc,etc, there's a reason, you know?
Don't outsmart God. We're just fools.)
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