:'(

This is a story about a stupidity I just did, on November 16.

So after work I have to go to Naripan street because I had this ‘appoinment’.

I’m still new to this Cikutra neighborhood 

so I asked my friend how to get to Naripan.

And when I got off work at 4PM, I went straight there.

I don’t really know the path, and by 5PM and still on the road,

I began to panic. 

But—when I saw the car passing through Palasari, 

I took a deep breath and thought, “Just a moment and I’ll be fine.”

I was wrong.

The car, which the only passanger left is me, 

start to go to this diretion I don’t know. 

The car doesn’t stop and I began to panic, again. 

This time more.

*I don’t like talking about this, so here’s what happened*

I  got taken away... Lost my money... Being alone in the middle of nowhere.. and I’m really scared.

I am 22 years old, and that time I was crying on the road.

Since I have no money, I walked and walked. 

I was scared, with no money, blisters on my feet, and it’s raining.

I’m hungry too, I haven’t ate anything since 12 PM. 

And there I was. In front of Nada Music Store. So I texted M. 

Then standing waited for him to pick me up.

I thought that I’ll be crying when I see him, tell him how bad that day was, 

and hoped that in his arms I’ll feel save.

I never saw him that day.

I stood for about 40 minutes when finally with my last money I decided to go home.

I was too tired and just wanted my bed.

And he replies asking me to go to another place to meet him.

I was waiting just to see him, and after waiting in the rain and stuff, 

I found out that he left me.

You left me. 

And I just waited in vain. I felt like an idiot.

Do you have any idea how I felt?

And so I went home, scared and my heart hurts really bad. 

I cried on the way home. 

Didn’t care about the people that watches me.

I hate how much I love you that I couldn’t leave you. 

Like you just did.

Other girls would definitly doesn’t want to see him anymore.

And days afterwards, I still cried sometimes, and while writing this, I cried too.

I forgot that every men will leave you just when you needed them the most.

Maybe I asked so much for attention. Maybe I did.

And so I said to myself. “No. You have to stop needing him.”

You have to stop, Stephanie.

This Is: So Me :D

Membaca tulisan-tulisannya Miund soal diabetic tipe 2, 

how she suprisingly had to change her life instantly because 

her body can't be as effective as the usual to produce what-we-called insulin. 

Ah. An important thing which sometimes we forget. Health.

Well, after reading many her twitter post, 

I figured that she made so many differences in her life,

before and after diabetic. 

And, like she said, the main reason she fight (and will do continuously)

is because she wants to take care of her family,

she loves her husband, and she wanted children.

One more thing we sometimes forget and abandoned too, 

family (or the ones you loved).

And It kinda gets me thinking too.

I was diagnostic to have this pancreas issues since 2008

-when I was 18 (going 19) years old.

*I am eighteen going on nineteen played in mind--nevermind*

At first I was feeling nausea all the time, and several minutes after a meal 

I usually vomintted. Not just once, but many times. 

Again and again. Every time I ate. 

Then I got admitted in the hospital. Three blood test. One USG. 

The first blood test analyzed that I got Thyphoid. 

But when I swallowed the antibiotics, 

the vomit-nausea thing become more often.

I can barely eat *graaahh* 

The second is for my ulcer to analized my bacteria in my stomach, 

and the third one also. 

Because the doctor didn't find anything strange,

he recommend me to take USG. (It's pain in the ass )

Actually it's for my stomach (and, yes, I felt like I was a pregnant woman

trying to see her squeking infant

but they didn't find anything strange, too.  

They find it in my pancreas.

My pancreas didn't work as good as it was, and as good as it should be.

 And it won't be coming like it used and should've be. Forever. Till I die.

That's why I can't eat.

That's why sometimes I my lungs felt like being override by something 

and suddenly I can't breathe and had to be breathing through my oxygen mask. 

There was times I have to sleep beside the oxygen tank at home b

ecause I fainted many times and my breath stopped. 

This 'something' in my pancreas pushed my lungs, and my ribs,

narrowed my space to breathe. 

And why I felt so so tired all the time.

Well it was a very big shock. I cried for a long time, I cried on the phone,

I cried when everyone's gone, I cried untill I went to sleep.

'I'll be living like this till I die?' I thought.

And my life was never be the same since.

I tried to be an ovo-lacto vegetarian until today.

Sometimes I (have to) eat meat, but just once in a while.

I can't eat food that contained too many oils in it, 

because it will made me nausea and vomit again, 

I have to be really careful in my activities, 

I can't lift things that are heavy (hey, that's why there's something we called men)

I can't bring things that are heavy, 

I can't be too tired or having the lack of sleeping hours.

It doesn't really helped.

When I was in school sometimes I can only attend the first class, 

the second class is too tiring so I have to go home. 

Sometimes I ate breakfast which is not meat and 

still I got really dizzy, nausea, and then vomitted again.

Several times I got admitted in the hospital, 

just in a 3-4 weeks difference every time. 

I can't do hard sports anymore, or hiking, or watch midnight movies. 

And my school is failing. 

And--like the cherry on top, my boyfriend left me.

Just when I needed him the most. 

Guess that's what all men do, right?

Believe me, changing lifestyle whatsoever doesn’t help.

But, I tried my best to make efforts.

Why? I wanted to live longer.

I want to graduate, and have a family.

I still have a five years piano school.

I still have my mother whom I have to take care of I wanted to see my future children.

So I changed.

And as for me today, in 2011, almost four years after,

I don't feel many differences.

Just this week I found out that my chest is swelling, 

and it hurts even for just breathing. 

Then it spread to my ribs, and last night to my back. 

Don't ask how it feels. 

I can barely sleep, 

I just massage my back and hoped the pain will be over.

Then I got nausea, and vomitted again, I stopped eating rice with oil. 

got work, so I thought I might need extra energy,

I usually eat rice only at noon, then tried to have it on breakfast and noon, 

and sometimes at night too, but I'm sorry, it just doesn't worked out for me. I

got nausea, then vomitted on Wednesday. 

I didn't eat anything that day until 5PM.

Many girls deliberates no-eating habit. But do you girls know, I really want to eat as much as I can

I lost about five kilograms this year. Now I'm a 48 kilograms. 

And sometimes looking myself at the mirror, I kinda hate the reflection.

I looked like a walking skeleton. 

Almost all of my clothes now are too big, 

and I felt really tired everyday. 

It doesn't feel any good, you know? 

Just eat. Healthy meals, please.

Coba deh ngerasain kayak saya. 

Pengen banget makan ini-itu tapi lambung nggak nerima. 

Nggak ada orang normal yang habis muntah-muntah masih punya napsu maksan. 

Atau seandainya pas lagi bisa makan banyak, terus bisa makan malem juga, 

tetep aja angka di timbangan itu turun. 

Turun terus, pulak. 

Seneng? Nggaklah. 
Artinya, saya nggak normal. Dan nggak akan normal.

Ngeri ngebayangin kalau aja angka di timbangan itu turun terus, 

mau jadi apa saya akhir tahun depan?

Kemarin seharian ga makan gara-gara mual dan muntah ga berenti2.

Malemnya tetep ga bisa tidur, punggung sakit jadi pijitin sendiri. 

Tidur kurang tiga jam aja pagi ini berasa capeee banget jalan 500 meter aja.

Susah kan?

But still, I wanted to made the efforts.

Why? I still have school to graduate, 

mother to take care of, 

husband and children to discover, 

and four more years of piano school. 

No, not everything is vain. Not my life, definitly. 

Because ten years from know, you will regret the things 

you haven't or didn't done much more than the things you had and did. 

(Mark Twain)

So I will.

And Know I'm still working on a blog page that later

I'll published about good meals, good taste, and good for your body. I

ncluding the bible verses too, I hoped. 

(I don't really like talking about bible's doctrines, but there's a reason there's Leviticus 11.

When God said don't eat pigs, dogs, seafoods, sharks, etc,etc, there's a reason, you know?

Don't outsmart God. We're just fools.)

The Other Girl #2

Akhirnya, semuanya berganti dengan saling curiga, 
argumen, dan tuduhan. 
Saya tahu saya juga mengambil peran di cerita itu. 
Mungkin saya kurang perhatian, mungkin saya terlalu egois, 
dan segala macam kemungkinan lainnya 
yang membuat dia harus mencari itu dari orang lain, bukan saya. 

Pada akhirnya kami pisah. 
Tapi dengan 'kami' yang bertumbuh bersama, 
nggak semudah itu untuk nggak berkomunikasi. 

Nggak ada orang yang lebih mengerti dan memahami saya dibanding dia.

Dia tahu harus ngomong apa, tahu harus buat apa, 
tahu semua dan mengerti semua.
Dia keluarga saya.
Dia soulmate saya, dia dan saya sudah saling membagi separuh diri kami masing-masing in order of being together. For almost 6 years.

Saya selalu cemburu tiap dia dekat dengan orang lain, 
dan dia selalu menyembunyikan cewek-cewek itu. 
Dia juga marah waktu saya suka sama temen sekelas saya di kelas 3 SMA.
Intinya, we're not together anymore, but we're not ready to let go.

Saya capek. Saya butuh sesuatu yang stabil, 
butuh temen untuk cerita instead of being curious 
about what he said is true or not.
Dan saya (ternyata) memang butuh suatu peristiwa yang 
'besar' untuk akhirnya bisa move on.


Posisi diselingkuhin emang nggak enak, 
tapi posisi jadi selingkuhan lebih nggak enak lagi.


Waktu tahun 2009, suatu malam saya nelpon dia.
Saya lagi di Pangandaran, lagi bikin pemeriksaan gratis 
buat warga kurang mampu di sana. 
Dan betapa terkejutnya saya ketika yang 
mengangkat telpon adalah perempuan. Jam sebelas malam.
Definitly not a friend. 
Saya kaget. Dia menyimpan dengan begitu rapi sehingga saya sama sekali nggak tahu kalau we're no longer single people.
The only single person is me, between us. 


Malam itu, kembali, luluh lantak hati saya.
Dan posisi menyebabkan saya harus bisa bersikap biasa saja.
Itu juga sulit.


Belakangan saya tahu mereka udah jalan bareng dari Februari. 
Damn. 

Now I'm the other girl. 
I'm the one people hate in the movies.

Another 'enough' from me. 

It was the last time I ever called him. Until today.


Saya nggak bisa kayak gitu terus. Saya nggak mau jadi the other girl. 
Saya harus dan butuh untuk completely move on. 


and I did.

Dan untuk kamu:
Saya nggak bilang ini semua sia-sia. Hanya saja peran saya dan peran kamu di kehidupan kita sudah habis. 
It was great, tapi nggak perlu diperpanjang lagi. 
God be with ye. 
(or in the language we all know: Goodbye)

 

The Other Girl #1

Every story has an ending.

Saya tahu. Waktu itu saya sadar dia lagi deket sama orang lain. 

Awalnya menghindar.

Tapi semua cewek juga pasti punya radar yang sama. 

Saya tahu.

Puncaknya, waktu ulang tahun sepupu saya yang diadain di villa istana bunga,

saya dan dia dateng barengan. 

Rencananya saya mau nginep hari itu. 

Kejadian itu waktu saya kelas 2 SMA. Oma saya lagi sakit, kanker pankreas. 

Dan waktu itu saya harus bisa juggling antara sekolah, 

ngurus rumah, dan ngurus Oma. 

Sering saya pulang sekolah langsung ke rumah buat beres-beres, 

balik ke rumah sakit, tidur di sana, 

paginya berangkat sekolah lagi dari rumah sakit.

And believe me, it was never easy. 

Tidur di sofa keras yang bahkan kurang panjang untuk kaki saya, 

ditambah sakit punggung karena kayu di sofa itu, sungguh bukan pemandangan menarik. 

Dan hari itu saya capek banget, dan menangis. 

Logikanya harusnya dia nemenin saya, setidaknya. 

Tapi there he was, downstairs, berdua with this other-girl. 

Dan barulah saya tahu mereka memutuskan untuk pulang bareng. Damn. 

'Mentang-mentang gua mau nginep,nih.' Pikir saya.

Akhirnya saya memutuskan pulang, 

dan saking ngambeknya saya duduk di kursi belakang, 

dan nyuruh si other-girl ini duduk di depan. 

Tadinya mereka memang mau pulang berdua kan? 

Kenapa mereka suruh saya duduk di depan (like I used to)

Saya diam sepanjang jalan.

Nggak, mereka emang nggak pernah jadian.

Tapi sepenting apa sih status itu?

Toh, pada akhirnya dia lebih memilih nelpon other-girl. 

Lebih memilih meng SMS dia. 

Lebih memilih jalan bareng dia. 

Ngobrol sama dia. Semuanya sama dia, dan bukan sama saya. 

Buat saya itu sudah cukup.

Luluh lantak sudah hati saya.

 

It's Over Now

"karena kenangan itu tak berkaki, tolong beri tahu aku, 

bagaimana caranya melangkah dari masa lalu"

Saya suka sekali sama lagu ini.

Bonita and the Hus Band- It's over now. 

Dan 'kebetulan yang mengerikan', ini jadi projek teman saya, 

sebelum statusnya berubah, tentunya--

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=288190594159&comments&set=t.1519043706&type=1 

yang paling saya suka dari video klipnya, 

konsep gelas yang diisi air (yang baru saja diisi air panas dari teko),

lalu gelas berisi air panas itu nggak sengaja tersenggol lalu jatuh dan tumpah.

Ketika di playback kedua kalinya, gelasnya tersenggol,

tapi ditangkap, nggak jadi jatuh.

lalu saya berpikir, "Damn."

Jenius. 

Sampai hari ini saya masih betah nonton videonya sambil bengong.

Kenapa sih kita susah sekali move on?

Apa karena kenangan itu nggak punya kaki, 

jadi kita nggak pernah bisa buat beranjak dari sana?

Kalau saja bisa semudah di-playback.

Nggak perlu capek-capek puter keran, menunggu penuh, 

tuang ke teko, panasin di kompor, 

tunggu mendidih, tuang ke gelas,

cuma untuk mendapatkan kalau gelas itu nggak sengaja tersenggol

lalu isinya tumpah.

To all the person I've loved before.

Saya sadar bahwa peran 'kita' dalam hidup kita masing-masing sudah selesai.

Nggak ada yang sia-sia, tapi nggak perlu diperpanjang lagi.

If it's true, you were mine, then it's good to know that it's over now.

.

Kalau Savannah Lynn-Curtis di buku Dear John pada akhirnya merasa frustasi karena harus membuat keputusan berkali-kali (silahkan membaca bukunya), saya merasa frustasi karena harus mengalah terus-terusan.

Dan sampai hari ini, di saat saya menuliskan halaman ini, 

belum ada satu orangpun yang bertanya, 'Bea maunya apa?'

Kalian mungkin hanya mencoba memberikan solusi 
yang mungkin dirasa paling baik buat saya. 


Tapi menyeimbangkan kemauan semua orang nggak mudah kan?

Terutama karena saya nggak dipeduliin maunya apa.

Saya capek.

Surat Cinta #16: Untuk Perut dan Nasi Kotak

Jadi ceritanya tanggal 4 Juni kemarin saya bikin games dan makan bareng adik-adik

Dewi Sartika (mereka ini anak-anak yang suka ngamen di daerah dago).

Di sepanjang persiapan acara ini, saya merasa letih luar biasa. 

Capek gara-gara mesti jalan kaki dari terminal dago ke rumah mereka masih normal,

capek gara-gara harus seimbangin kemauan antar dua pihak

(GMAHK Setiabudi dan Dewi Sartika) ini yang bikin letih.

Yang satu maunya begini, yang satu maunya begini.

Apalagi pas hari H. Saya sebel berat gara-gara minta dianterin pake motor

biar cepet tapi yang nganterin malah lebih memilih tidur. Oke, skip that part. 

Habis itu saya jemput mereka sendiri ke dago atas,

terus jemput lagi di simpang dago, baru meluncur ke balubur. 

Jangan dibayangin mereka ini anak-anak manis. 

Susah diaturnya luar biasa, dan saya sering teriakin mereka satu-satu karena 

kebiasaan malas mandi mereka. 

Setelah sampai di balubur pun mereka langsung lari sana lari sini 

dan harus dikejar satu-satu 

(jumlahnya ada 20 anak, silakan bayangin sendiri gimana kacaunya)

Akhirnya begitu mereka mulai main games, saya cuma duduk. Capek. 

Untung temen-temen yang lain nggak protes, 

membiarkan saya istirahat sebentar.

Kenapa saya ngotot bercapek-capek ria?

Begitu ngebagiin nasi kotak, makan cemilan sama-sama, 

lihat mereka semangat waktu jawab pertanyaan dan dapet hadiah, 

buat saya itu udah cukup. 

Cukup bikin saya senyum-senyum sendiri dan 

pengen nangis terharu di saat yang sama.

Dan begitu mau pulang, saya ngobrol sama satu anak, namanya Amin. 

Saya bilang gini, "Duh, aku lapar deh. Belom makan dari siang." 

Terus dia langsung ngulurin nasi kotak punya dia sambil bilang, "Ini, buat Mbak aja."

Padahal dia juga belum makan.

Dan saya tahu dia jarang makan makanan enak seperti itu.

Tapi dia ulurin nasi kotaknya sambil bilang itu buat saya aja.

Nasi kotak punya dia yang cuma satu itu.

Saya cuma menggeleng terus bilang, "Nggak. Itu punya kamu."

Begitu mereka pulang, naik angkot dan melambaikan tangan 

sambil bilang terima kasih,

saya sedikit menitikkan air mata. 

(sedikit, soalnya lagi di jalan raya)

Seperti ditabok pake raket di muka.

Saya nggak butuh pakaian bagus dan handphone mahal.

Saya nggak butuh panggung gede dan orang-orang teriakin nama saya.

Tapi saya butuh buat belajar berbagi.

Bukan di saat isi dompet saya banyak, baru saya mau bagi, 

tapi di saat saya hanya punya sedikit, tapi saya beri buat orang lain.

Memberi yang terbaik. 

Saya nggak punya kualitas itu. 

Sedikit belajar, pulangnya saya nggak ngeluh waktu harus jalan kaki lagi 

dan nggak ada yang nganterin.

(maaf nggak ada fotonya, nggak ikut fotoan.. Foto lama ada di notes facebook saya,

monggo dilihat)